11 unfiltered truths
Plus recommendations and minor confessions.
Eleven unfiltered truths:
Have you seen the movie Sinners? I have. Twice. About to be thrice. I highly recommend it. It’s now in my top five favorite movies of all time. No, I'm not telling you what it's about. It’ll probably sound weird and not in the good way. Just watch it.
Sometimes, when your heart breaks, it cracks you open to feel more beauty right alongside of your grief. Sometimes, something else happens. Sometimes, heartbreak does not crack you open but instead makes you shut your heart down real tight. Nothing gets in. Nothing gets out. We think this will protect us. But it does just the opposite. It isolates us. It stops us from feeling what we are and what we need; love. Connection. Hope. We don't do it on purpose. But it happens. It's happened to me. I'm working on writing about it.
My SALE on photo sessions ends ON JUNE 15TH. I’ll be in PORTLAND, OR/COAST (Aug 4-8), SEATTLE (Aug 10-15), PROVIDENCE, RI (July 23), NYC (July 25-27), WASHINGTON DC AREA (September 5-10). Book your session here. Email me questions. I’m friendly. I’m blunt.
I've started lifting weights. I never wanted to. I'm a hiker. I'm a yogi. Long ago I made a peace treaty with my body. No more contorting. No more war. No more movement that did not bring me joy. So weights? Ew. Have you seen these spaghetti arms? You have. They're not designed to lift heavy things. But for the last few years my body has been telling me that she needs me to help her get strong. It's taken me a long time to listen. I'm going on six weeks of consistent lifting 4 x a week. It's become my favorite part of my day. Who knew?
I moved into a basement studio apartment with my ex husband and his wife a little more than a year ago. You knew that. But did you know the house has been under construction since I moved in? I am not complaining. ButI am saying it's intense. Im with my kids every day tho. Which is a radical lifestyle difference from the last twelve years of split custody. This brings a level of soul deep satisfaction that is impossible to communicate.
My SALE on photo sessions ends ON JUNE 15TH. I’ll be in PORTLAND, OR/COAST (Aug 4-8), SEATTLE (Aug 10-15), PROVIDENCE, RI (July 23), NYC (July 25-27), WASHINGTON DC AREA (September 5-10). Book your session here. Email me questions. I’m friendly. I’m blunt.
Around this time last year I did a three day fast. It was an absolutely remarkable reset for my system. I had so much energy it was Marvel movie level. Then right after, I drove to Boise and “ruined,” it by going out for a night of drinking, dancing and karaoke with one of my oldest friends. It was a hell of a night on the heels of a hell of a hard time. I sang. I kissed. I was free. I also came home really late and pissed off my sister, whose house I was staying at. Her front door was locked. I had the garage code, but the garage door was locked too. So I opened the door of her husband’s car and slept in the back seat. 10/10 do NOT recommend. When he drove the car the next day, he said it smelled VERY BAD. That morning, we were scheduled to drive to my sister's cabin for her birthday celebration. She and I got in a huge fight on the drive there. WORDS WERE SAID. Honestly, I think the fight was really good for our relationship.
Speaking of drinking, I haven't had a drink going on seven months now, but not because of that story.
I'm about to do the three day fast again. While the kids are at a family reunion on their dad’s side this week. We’ll see what sheyanigans my intensity loving self tries to pull this time.
I don't post about liberty and justice for all on social media because it's trendy. Or cool. Or because I want to save anyone. Or because I feel obligated to do so with my “platform.” Tho I have been told that I must many times. I do it for myself. I do it because I have learned I am not separate from anyone else on this planet. I do it because for as long as I can remember there has been a hurt in me. And also because for as long as I can remember I've been trying to get to the bottom of this hurt. To understand it. To make it stop. This has taken me a lot of places, but one of the most significant is understanding how my hurt connects me to the hurt of the world and everyone in it. That my hurt is not just my own. It is ours. There is no stopping it. There is no numbing it. There is no escaping it. There is only turning around to face it. There is only trying to hold it tenderly, together. There is only accepting the truth that none of us are free until all of us are free. We will have no peace until it is so. Only the pretending of peace. Only the flexing of false power. Here is a conversation that made me feel more brave about the state our world is in. Maybe it will make you more brave too.
My SALE on photo sessions ends ON JUNE 15TH. I’ll be in PORTLAND, OR/COAST (Aug 4-8), SEATTLE (Aug 10-15), PROVIDENCE, RI (July 23), NYC (July 25-27), WASHINGTON DC AREA (September 5-10). Book your session here. Email me questions. I’m friendly. I’m blunt.
Okay, I said 11 unfiltered truths, but here’s one more. I really thought I’d have a baby right about now. I don’t. I can’t believe it. I must believe it. I’d LOVE to photograph + love on yours. If that sounds creepy it’s because I am. In a good way.
xx,
Yan