Don't Quit Before The Miracle

Inside out and in between…

It’s been a long time since I’ve let something be a long time. 

Without trying to change or fix or wave a magic wand to make the outside world match the way I think or hope or believe it all to be. 

Earlier this week, my 18-year-old, Myra, was sleeping on the living room couch of her dad’s house (where I live in a basement studio). The whole house is under renovation and has been for months. The front yard has a HUGE pit in it. A mountain of dirt stands next to the pit. The mountain of dirt is, of course, the earth that used to fill in the pit. It’s funny to think of the yard being inside out like a shirt you put on too fast…

Anyway, the whole house is similarly shook up and misplaced, which is why Myra was sleeping on the couch instead of in her bed. The man who is doing most of the work on the house is bald, like me. According to Myra, he was walking through the living room one morning, and in her sleepy state, she raised her dreamy head, looked at this bald man and said,

“Hi Mom,”

then immediately fell back asleep.

I’m not totally sure why that story makes me laugh so hard, but I can’t stop telling it to everyone I know, including in this newsletter.

Maybe it’s because sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “damn, I’m really, really bald now.” 

Maybe it’s because I feel like the phase of life I am in is one giant UNDER CONSTRUCTION sign. And I’m not exactly sure how to put the earth back in the pit, or how long the strange dirt mountain will stand.

To be transparent, I don’t know what my next move is. I don’t know what my next move is because I don’t want to move at all. I want to write in the mornings and paint in the afternoons, the way I have been manifesting in my morning pages for LITERAL YEARS. I want to stick to the promise I made myself that I would find a way to stay home for my kids and provide for them at the same time. 

But the problem is I’m running out of money (this is a drastic understatement). And nearly every plan I’ve hatched to remedy that problem has been met with the universe laughing at me, as if to say, “nice try.”

I keep thinking of that one energy healer I’ve told you about who said the following to me when I asked her what I needed to learn:

“This is not your Universe.” 

I keep thinking about this phrase I’ve read all over the place, 

“Don’t Quit Before The Miracle.” 

The thing is I am used to acting like a creative agent in the (not mine) universe who sets things in motion in order to facilitate and receive the miracle I have already foreseen and predicted. 

So. Hrmmmmph. 

This understanding I’m not in control of but actually one with the constantly changing universe is a trip. 

And a very, very, very steep learning curve.

I don’t know if I will get a ‘real job’. I don’t know if I will announce a very limited number of travel session trips (one a quarter could be possible?). I don’t know if I will start trying to sell my paintings for 3K a pop because I promised myself I’d never price my freedom for anything else.

What I do know is that if you’re similarly waiting for a miracle in your life, instead of being the miracle the way you’ve always tried to be, I want to tell you that I love you. Don’t quit. Who knows what might surprise us yet. 

xx,

Yan