After telling you last week how much I need to stay home, feels sorta weird to also tell you now that I've just come back from guest teaching at The Whole Artist Retreat in San Pancho, Mexico.
Its the only teaching gig I committed myself to for all of 2024 and I’m so glad I did. (check out the lovely Natalie Gildersleeve and Mari Transcoso who organized the event).
I had an incredible time.
In Mexico, I laughed.
In Mexico, I sweat.
In Mexico, I felt things I never have before.
Like wind sighing its way through my leg hair which is longer than it's ever been in my life (delightful!)
And the fear of riding on the back of a client’s motorbike while trying to juggle a watermelon + camera gear. (Thrilling!)
In Mexico, I watched a man in a coffee shop pet a dog. I then watched that dog become a wet noodle under the man’s touch. I then asked the man if I could take his photo, because his soul was beautiful, his touch was healing and his face was EXTREMELY handsome. But I waited until all of the photographers I was with left because I felt shy.
The photo turned out awkwardly
In Mexico, I cried over tea leaves telling truths and laughed harder than I have in years over a game one student created on her plane ride over.
In Mexico, I crawled on all fours into what looked like an oven made for people, but was actually a Temezcal. This is a ceremony and a sweat lodge, centered in gratitude, the four phases of life, drumming and song.
The local Shaman leading the Temezcal ceremony had the eyes and sound of the only man I’ve loved as much as my children. I felt knocked over at the first sight of them. So in the hot dark I asked my aching to melt into the puddle forming beneath my body and shook my hips to a drum while no one could see.
In Mexico, I let myself get lost in the vibrancy of two yellow birds, a woman as bright as the sun, a surprise appearance by a raccoon and beauty reflected back to me by too many beings to name.
In Mexico, as I taught, I said I was working on opening to receive, and was later given:
a scent, a hug without a single ounce of taking in it, a pair of earrings, a confession, words of affirmation, wisdom, food as medicine, beers as another kind of medicine, tinctures, acro yoga, sea salt and likely even more magic I'm forgetting to mention.
I like the shift that happens after a trip like this. I like not brushing or washing my hair for days but feeling the kind of beautiful that only living close to the elements on not enough sleep can make you feel. I even like stepping on the plane back home, suddenly overly self aware of I’m wearing and smelling like my adventure and it all might feel a little silly once I land back home.
There is more than one way to rest, and In Mexico, I did.
In Mexico, I also released the first chapter of my memoir, From Chaos; The Burning Years. It felt big and scary and I cried, whispered thank you, then surrendered to the flame. I hope it flickered near your heart and made you feel your own spark again.
Chapter 2 is coming for paid subscribers on May 7th. I am REALLY tryin’ to seduce you over there, so here is a little preview of the chapter called The lust that got me out.
The way I define sin is different. To me sin is simply acting against a felt truth. I call this sin because I have experienced and watched the way this action eats light. And what is evil, really, other than the force that consumes the light? This force is different than shadow, which exists in relationship to and inseparable from light.
I have lived this way. I have lived in sin. I have moved in the opposite directions of my felt truths and when I did, I barely escaped with my light in tact. When we live in sin, as in, when we choose a life for ourselves that is made up of decisions that run counter to our own desires, beliefs, dreams and true self, the inky water coming for your light doesn’t begin to rise right away. Rather, it begins to seep. It comes in through the cracks in your life, imperceptible at first. Not even enough to make a puddle on the floor. But in its opaque, inky way, it is already making an effort to absorb your light–to suck it from the places in your marrow and trap some of its sheen within the black that is outside, wanting to overcome you.
Not only this, if you continue….
Did it work? Are you seduced??? I sure hope so because I’m back in my basement life in Utah, and could really use the cash. ;) To keep reading, subscribe to Yan Land and get Ch 2 in your inbox when it drops May 7th.
xx,
Yan + coconut
*images of me by natalie gildersleeve
Beautiful
Where is this basement you reside in now? Is it some kind of portal? Because I’ve been transported ✨this thing of you on Substack - I’m crushing hard and I’m being modest about it