There’s something wrong with your priest.

Eclipse energy, mental health days, love is awful and…

This weekend I got to attend the wedding of some of my best friends in the entire world, Roger and Kerry. It does something to witness two people truly tend to, witness, and celebrate one another. It does something to watch them take the trip, the exquisite risk, the arguably insane leap into not only devotion, but declaration of that devotion to the world. 

I don’t think I can say it better than the speech Roger asked me to read during their ceremony. Those who know will recognize it. Those who don’t, go watch Fleabag immediately.

“Love is awful. It’s awful. It’s painful. It’s frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. It makes you selfish. It makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do. It’s all any of us want, and it’s hell when we get there. So no wonder it’s something we don’t want to do on our own. I was taught if we’re born with love then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot, feeling right, when it feels right it’s easy. But I’m not sure that’s true. It takes strength to know what’s right. And love isn’t something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is, when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope.”

The part that broke me into a million sobs as I rehearsed it for my kids was this:

“People talk about that a lot, feeling right, when it feels right it’s easy. But I’m not sure that’s true. It takes strength to know what’s right. And love isn’t something weak people do.”

Raise your hand if you know what it’s like to have a love feel so right you gambled your whole life and soul for it but then that love bit you like a snake. 

Raise your hand if you’re fighting like hell to keep your heart open instead of getting consumed by the poison of the bite?

Goddamn romantics. I’m such a huge one. 

As I was walking out of Roger and Kerry’s wedding after-party, beaming with the day’s magic, I got a very long text message from someone who hurt me. Real bad. Many times. It landed like a clock striking midnight. 

The fairytale of the wedding day was over. Here, in a text was the not-so-sparkly, pumpkin truth of love. Suddenly gravity was heavier than it had ever been. I stumbled to sit down on a velvet bench near the hotel’s exit.

The next evening, still seeking equilibrium, I showed up late to a zoom meeting with my family of origin. I can’t share details, but a huge platonic shift is happening in the 49 year marriage of my parents. In this meeting, love was there. It always is, isn’t it? But it didn’t feel like hope. It felt like hope’s opposite. 

I shook for a long time after. 

I’m needing to take a few mental health days, and to prep for two weeks in California coming up. Thus there was no book chapter this week. Or Sunday newsletter. Just this little note from me. The book will resume as scheduled on Oct 1st.

Until then, once again, art reminds me “The love you feel is stronger”. I recommend clicking on that link and giving the song, Dark Parts by Perfume Genius, a listen. It came on while I was writing this.

xx,

Yan

P.S. hope you’re grounding and caring well for yourself in this super blood moon lunar eclipse in pisces during virgo szn.

P.P.S. There are only 2 spots left at our workshop in Joshua Tree in October. It’s going to be such a special time. Come.