Vanishing Act
In the winter I lost myself + last call for Teethkiss
There’s an old Lou Reed song I like to play.
The first lines go,
“It must be nice to disappear
To have a vanishing act
To always be moving forward
And never looking back”
His voice sounds old. Slow. Cracked open. Tender and and plodding as if trying very hard not to trip over itself.
It comforts me.
I once wrote that I think everyone has one free pass in their life to run away. I used that pass a long time ago. 13 years. It was a necessary lifeline.
But the last 7 years of my life have been about staying.
Staying with myself, no matter how big or intense my challenges get.
Staying with my kids, no matter how big or intense their challenges get.
Staying with my responsibilities as a parent and tiny inhabitant of this gorgeous earth, no matter how inept I feel as a neurodivergent, wild-hearted artist.
There is something I do that is truly radical: I live within my values. Integrity at the core.
And it’s taken me to a lifestyle that doesn’t appear as comfortable, or shiny, or impressive as it has at other times in my life. Its taken me to radical accountability, acceptance and love for all that was lost and sacrificed during the time, so many years ago, that I ran away.
I have never been more afraid than I have during this period of my life.
And I have never been more proud of myself for the courage it has taken to stay with this fear. To make different choices than the ones I used to make. To break patterns and allow the death and rebirth cycle to take me to a version of myself I have yet to meet.
A prayer for ice
In winter,
i lost Myself
And i didn't much mind
where i'd gone
"Let the cold wind take her,"
other me
Thought to other me.
Let her blow into a drift,
As long as it takes
to make crystal from
Her spirit
To shape her troubles
Into shimmer
of no known value,
Keep her -
until she
Is worth
NOW.
Worth
every moment
--before it freezes---
Distill her-
to a hue of white
that refuses all shape
Into form -
less
than
cut truth
Less than
ordered complication
She must become
A body geometry of soul only-
A mandala which makes
all heavy things,
Into soft piles of flesh,
Into weightless tons,
Into breath
-hung once,
now glistening.
I cannot say I have been perfect. The farthest from it.
I cannot say I have been wholly gracious. A lotta days all I could do was keep breathing.
Let's be real, I'm still a fetus and don't know who I'm gonna meet on the other side of born. But this fetus is learning:
Love is being willing to fail every day. Love is staying with your shortcomings as they breathe down your neck. Love is wanting to make that choice to stay — not out of obligation but out of self worth. You want to because you are worth it. You want to because those you love are worth it.
You want to because the love is so much bigger than the failures. The love is so big, it puts every failure in its giant mouth like a cherry and sucks it down to the seed of learning.
At the beginning of 2024, my heart was broken. This wasn’t the first time. Of course not. How many times have you heard me write about my broken heart?
But this has been different. This felt like more than my heart being broken. This felt like my destiny being broken. This felt like something trying to break my spirt. My belief in the world. My belief in the reality of love itself and the simple act of people being good to each other.
Destiny.
Ha.
Destiny wasn’t even a word I believed in — until this person showed me where my time began and ended at once.
For the first time in my life, other than my children, I loved someone more than I loved myself. I used to only comprehend the miracle of such a thing. I used to laugh in stupid shock for the joy of such a love swimming through me.
Now, I also comprehend the extreme danger.
Because I left and lost myself in it.
Because after all my staying practice, I stayed too long.
I am still processing this, so I do not wish to write more about it other than to tell you that…
I spent the majority of 2024, trying desperately to let go. Let go of one of the only things I’ve ever been sure of, let go of all that I dreamed, let go of the life I thought was mine, let go of my expectations and attachment to who I thought I was, who I thought I should be, and what I thought that would look like in a true love partnership.
The only goal I have in 2025 is to let myself be reborn. To not force, but to trust. To let nature take its course. To meet myself, and know myself once again.
Maybe I’ll meet you there too.
xx,
Yan
Don’t forget to watch last year’s free class on intuitive photography! Right here. It’s a special one; I hope you get something out of it. And this is your last chance to sign up for my only online workshop this year! Sign up for a live (only 5 left, $430) or silent seat (only $280) by this Friday and save some monies.
a death of a dream ❤️
Not to force, but to trust. I’m with you.